Signs You Took More Than The Recommended Dose

So I like to self medicate. Don't judge me, I have been doing so for 10 years now and I am still alive and kicking... My liver however, may be a different story. But I felt the need to alert my readers of some very important symptoms to look out for that may indicate that they took more than the recommended daily dose of their medication of choice. My drug of choice for this post... Vick44 Nightime formula. Shit fucked me up...
*Symptoms may include, but are not limited to:
- Texting your best friend about why people stopped having Pampered Chef parties.
- Calling your mother at 11pm to discuss Brad and Angelina's wedding plans. When your mother asks you if you're drunk, your respond with "Yeah I am! On life!... Don't judge me!" (That went over real well)
- Coming to the realization that the story of the Prophet Mohamed ascension into heaven sounds a lot like a bad acid trip.
- Coming up with really good comebacks for the next time you and your mom get into an argument about evolution and dinosaurs (Hey, its always good to have backup comments).

My point is... If you're gonna self medicate, maybe stick to the actual dosage a couple of times until you learn how the meds affect you... After that its fair game...Oh and don't call your mom! Under any circumstances!

We Stole A Leprechaun

So yesterday was the infamous St. Paddy's Day, a holiday cherished by all those who love to consume large amounts of green tinted beer, while acting a fool the entire time. This is our day, our one day to have an excuse for our behavior and holy shit we were not messing around this year!
I don't even know where to begin with this shit show. I'll try my best to recap a large majority of the day/night, but chunks of it are still blurry, even after looking at all the redic pics that have been posted. This year we thought we would be smart, by starting the drinking festivities later in the day and sticking to one bar, that way we wouldnt be SUCH a shit show. We were so wrong...
First off, the Comcast On Demand people were filming at the table next to ours, so of course Hatchback and Guacamole decided it would be a fantastic idea to film a spot for it. They tried to recruit me as well, but they were gonna have to come up with something a hell of a lot better than a free drink to get my face on a dating add for a month... I have been single for a year, pretty sure my face being on the On Demand Dating section would not help my case whatsoever. So I drank my green beer that I PAID for while watching my friends make assholes out of themselves... Nothing really out of the ordinary for us...
Once we left that bar to walk to bar #2 at oh about 11pm (We had been at bar #1 since 5pm) is when the real shit show began. Keep in mind that we consumed an entire 5 gallon bucket of green beer at bar #1... We decided to sit our asses down at the second bars patio to people watch, well thats where it all went downhill. I dont know if it was the angry, old doorman yelling at us so many times I walked my drunk ass over to the manager to complain about his rude employee (Its a good thing I can be articulate while intoxicated), or the impromptu Lady Gaga sing along with the gays on the patio (BTW saying "I just shit my pants" in the place of "bad romance" is genius), or Hatchback sobbing hysterically for no reason and getting us yelled at once again... I dont know which of these events was a bigger shit show... I just cannot decide.
Oh but of course it gets better... We then got sick of getting yelled at so we blew that Popsicle stand... To the pizza place... Where a strange Indian man decided he was infatuated with me, called me "Your Royal Highness", and I mean I know I'm pretty awesome and all, but things got weird reeeeeeal fast once he attempted to kiss me on the face... Yeeeeeeah, no. My friend Rickie, who is not macho at freakin all, decides to get in the guys face and tell him off... I dont know what was more amusing, the creeper or my friend all of a sudden having his balls drop in the pizza shop!? I cant make this shit up!
Then Guacamole decided to have a meltdown on the walk back to the car, at that point tho I was too concerned with the blisters forming on my feet to give therapy to anyone... Oy. We also managed to squeeze 6 people into a Saturn Ion and got back safely, without getting pulled over... Now thats skills people. Mad skills...
There were also smaller shit shows that happened throughout the night, like Pisstopher almost getting into a fight with a gang who was having a rap-off outside of the pizza joint, Lizard taking pics of my boobs in the bathroom of bar #1 which I may or may not have texted to someone, me walking into several doors/ corners throughout the night which resulted in several bruises today, seeing about 500 people I went to HS with (Yep, 10yrs later and still dont like them), Rickie attempting a karaoke rendition of "Copacabana" but being too drunk to read/sing so two people had to step in and take over while he swayed in the background, trying to keep some story about a sheep dog and a twin straight so that we wouldn't embarrass Hatchback in front of some guy (I was too drunk to follow the instructions), or me feeding my cat butter when I got home ... Did I miss anything? I'm sure I did, but its still a blur to me...
Moral of the story? We are just too fucking old for this shit... Seriously. Good thing we get to do it all over again next weekend... I think my liver just put in its two weeks...
For anyone who actually witnessed the hot mess that we were in person, I apologize... Kinda.
Quotes of the night:
"Just cos I'm gay doesn't mean I don't like camping! Quit stereotyping me!"- Guacamole
"All the midgets are hiding today"- Rickie
"Hey! Did he just take off with the disco stick?!"- Yours truly
"I'm not rich enough to make it rain in the club, but I'll make it hail with quarters!"-Guacamole

Random Thought Of The Day

What is the purpose of thunder and lightning? Besides annoying the shit out of us? It's like snow, it serves no purpose whatsoever. Snow just sits there, it does nothing for the environment, its annoying to drive in, it gets all dirty and gross after about a whole 2 days. So wtf? I cant stand when people say "Oh but its soooo pretty!", no its not. It's fucking annoying. And same goes for thunderstorms. I know rain has a purpose so why the hell does it need its wingmen Thunder and Lightning? I guess I dont like any sort of precipitation... Ok I'm done now.

Fat Kid In Little Seat

This is an actual conversation I had today with a toddler who is the size of a 6th grader. Hey, I'm not the asshole feeding her so dont get mad at me for pointing out the obvious. I'm not a bitch, I'm just honest...
G: Whats that?
Me: A baby bouncy seat
G: Babies sit in it?
Me: Yes G, they do... (Keep in mind I'm trying to change a f*cking diaper and this kid will not shut up!)
G: G is not a baby
Me: You're so observant. No you are not a baby
G: If I sit I get stuck
Me:...Thats a pretty good guess, yes
G: You sad if G get stuck 
Me: Actually, I would probably laugh in all honesty, and then maybe I'd help you out once I'm done laughing and taking pictures
G: ... Oh...Ok
Me: Good chatting with ya... Btw WHY are you in my classroom?!
G: (sits and picks at her belly button like shes gonna find a candy bar in there... Actually...)

Moral of the story is... I guess there really isnt one. Dont bug me when I'm dealing with shit... Literal shit people!
Happy freakin Monday!

Who Am I ?

I'm your new best friend thats who! Ok ok, fine I'll give a proper Intro. I guess you could call me Ri (And no its not short for retard!), that way I wont have to worry about any creepers finding me... Cos I'm sure people will be DYING to meet me after reading about my shit show of a life. Yeah I teach infants, which is just as horrendous as you imagine, I guess sometimes its ok... As long as I'm medicated. Yes I have an affinity for pills and beer, sue me. I've never gone to work drunk, medicated is another story. My parents are also hot messes, which may or may not explain where I get it from. They like to be assholes and I am an asshole back by posting the stupid shit they say and do on here! Sweet, sweet revenge...
My friends are alright I guess, I mean its nice to have people who are a bigger mess than me around. Although combine us all together and yikes... I dont think they have quite invented a word to describe that... It's scary...
I guess I was supposed to describe what this blog is gonna be about... Its gonna be about whatever the hell pops into my head. Whatever I feel like writing about, I will and if you dont like that then I suggest you take that sandbag out of your vag, you'll probably feel a lot better... While you're at it, pop a Valium too! Yes I capitalize pill names because they deserve some damn respect!
Now that we got that out of the way... Oh btw friends, no worries I will be using nicknames for all of you assholes cos I'm a good friend like that...  Remember that next time you wanna be a dick...
If you actually just read through all of this then I don even know what to say... I'd give you a cookie but I dont know who you are...
Ok I'm done now...